So much for writing

Failed at even continuing to write in the novel. My mind is off -just grey crap fog.

Worthless crap. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Just one more empty day -just waiting for my body to die.

Smiling Scallop, Sighing Scallop

Last night I walked the beach a day after a nor'easter had churned up the usually serene bay. Among the quahog shells, I discovered two occupied Scallops, too high up on the beach and tangled in messes of seaweed to get back to the water line. I held each of them for several moments watching them watch me with their lovely brilliant blue eyes (which can regenerate as needed) and looking through the lush lashes of their fringed gills. They both slowly opened their shells so that I could peek inside their lovely studios, and then they clapped their shells shut with a sigh. After placing them back in the water and spending time listening to the tympani of the hectic surf, this story came to mind:

Smiling Scallop, Sighing Scallop

Two scallops were enjoying the swaying fan corals and greenery in their communal scallop bed. The rays, their fiercest enemies, weren't much of a bother because this particular community was guarded by a school of sentry sharks.



Sea, smooth, surrounding, saline-infused.

Two

Stopped

I can't see to type. I am so exhausted sitting here in a library that only a couple of fingertips are moving. I'm too tired to sleep and far past caring. Why won't my stinking body stop? This death is so beyond being able to tolerate it. If I had the energy to get up I'd drop in traffic. this is so beyond what I can tolerate. This is torture of the worst kind. I welcome death but it evades me.

Meanwhile all heads are averted or simply stare getting entertainment from my disintigration. Executioners enjoying the slow cut of the dull blade and watching the pyre flame every higher.

I don't believe it's that bad.

Just tell me that you're still alive.

Damn people who could care less that I'm trapped in a burning car. They just want me to wave and assure them that I'm alive. Then they can happily walk away self satisfied. Thanks for your voyeurism.

Again, stupid me. I actually thought I had a place to stay, but no. After wasting time today with my hopes up, and I should know better than to ever trust that anything will EVER have any outcome other than nothing. Back on the street. Better off dead. How hypocritical this mandate not to commit suicide while simultaneously pouring gas on the already burning car.

Walking slow death. Piece of crap. Worthless. Absolutely 100% worthless. That's reality.