Four Days and Counting

Four business days to find a job. My resources are gone. All gone. This week is just desperate flailing anywhere. Risk taking because to not take a risk is just as risky.

The probability of finality is exponentially skyrocketing. Not a single person cares. Not a single tangible shred of help, of support, of humanness.

Pretty damn sure I won't miss this world, even if the alternative (worst scenario) is a ring of hell. Hell? How can it be worse than this? I have lived an entire existence of hell.

I was born old - of two people who should have served as an advertisement for abortion or at least or effective contraception.

My life review - for that which I can still conjure up some sort of memory, is entirely devoid of any real human contact, of affection, of tolerance, or laughter, and of course, without love. What remains is an empty life lived in the strictest of isolation and ostracism. Shunning without recognition of it.

Not one single memory of pure joy, of a soul-affirming belly laugh, of anyone accepting and inviting me to share - a telephone call, a visit, playground games - nothing and everything has been hidden from me.

I remember no dreams of any kind. Not of future plans (ha), of careers, of families, of adventures. I remember only reviewing the list of events which convicted me of failure - to be - me, to be human, to explain the hatred always spewing over and through and under and behind and in front of me. Noxious and perpetual suffocation and drowning.

I don't know how I lived this long. I don't have any survival instinct or skills. I really don't want to have now, so that the parting is minimal cause for awareness of suffering.

My guess: there isn't anything beyond this miserable existence. Eternity - so what? Who would welcome me to it? I have no one to meet, no desire to replicate another earthly torture. No one is waiting for me. And to have to exist in eternity, time out of time alone? No thanks. Done that, too.

What would I like? To find a universe of true, kind, compassionate souls who are singing harmonically and joyfully and who experience the equivalent of unbridled laughter and joy who invite me to join, and with whom I can lend support as I am supported. That would be heavenly peace. And it is just another idea out of reach.