Life in the Balance

She looked at the entry labeled simply, "help". Opening, then snapping closed the cell phone, she vacillated.

But then, with nothing risked, she clicked the entry and listened while the number rang. And rang. And rang.

The telephonic greeting was just as artificial and plastic and unreal as every other business non-greeting greeting. After ignoring the instructions to push one if Spanish was desired, she simply sat mutely with the phone to her ear, but hearing nothing.

Three times there was a long silence while a disembodied robotic voice instructed patience during the call transfer to who knows where.

"Can I help you?" a fuzzy voice queried in a slow, unanimated voice.

"I don't know if you can. I'm looking for a reason not to commit suicide."

"What?" the man's flat response half questioned, half dismissed.

"I can't find a reason not to commit suicide."

"You are looking for a reason NOT to commit suicide?"

"Yes."

Silence. And more silence.

"Do you want to commit suicide?"

"No. I don't have a reason not to."

"Do you have friends?"

"No one."

Silence

"Do you have family?"

"No."

""

""

"Do, uh, er, you have a job?"

"No. I whistle blew and was fired. I've been blacklisted, and I can't compete for any job."

""

""

"Where are you living?"

"I'm homeless."

"Are there shelters?"

"I won't go to a shelter."

"Oh."

"How old are you?"

"50."

"That's not too old to get a job. Can you work at McDonalds?"

"My hand doesn't work. I can't physically do that kind of job. But I have applied for jobs requiring no skill set. I'm over qualified. No one who sees my resume or work history will hire me for an unskilled job."

"You could work for a hotel. You know - cleaning rooms."

"I can't lift and do that work. I have bad arthritis."

"You could go to an employment bureau."

"I can find open jobs. I can't compete for them. I've been blacklisted. I played by all the rules, and I can't sustain myself."

""

""

"Maybe you could get disability."

"I am not disabled in my field. I wouldn't qualify. I don't fit any need category."

"Oh."

""

""

""

"I won't take any more of your time. Thank you for speaking with me."

"You're welcome," said the uninterested, but relieved voice.

As I thought and now have verified. Worthless. I have no reason to prolong this unending suffering.